That's So Desmond
by hersheygal
Summary: Desmond’s having a lot of premonitions that could cause a lot of trouble. And if that’s not enough, Niki and Paulo are the idiotic bunch that the writers are making them out to be! This will parody everything from ships to the Others. Chapter 3 up.
1. Chapter 1

That's So Desmond

Disclaimer: I don't own LOST.

A/N: So the title is taken from the tv show That's So Raven. This is basically going to have fun with what could happen now that Desmond can see into the future. There will be a lot of Niki/Paulo bashing and just a lot of other insane stuff that I don't know how to categorize.

Desmond was mad at Locke and Sayid for sticking him with these two new people that apparently had been there the whole time but no one had noticed them before. He had tried making conversation with the two of them but they were terribly distraught with Eko's death, even though Desmond never remembered them talking to Eko at all so he decided to ask them.

"So, were you two friends with Eko?' Desmond asked.

"No. We actually never talked to him." Niki said.

"Oh. I never talked to him either."

"Then why are we just standing here in silence?" Paulo asked impatiently.

"Because we're having a moment of silence to respect him you idiot!" Niki said.

"Are you two together?" Desmond inquired.

Niki looked at Paulo and he looked back at her.

"I'm just wondering, since Claire found you two in Jack's tent yesterday."

Niki opened her mouth wide. "I thought they cut that from the show!"

"Yeah so did I! They said that that would be a trashy way of introducing our characters!"

"Just because it wasn't shown in the show doesn't mean it didn't happen and no one saw. We all know. When the show isn't on it's not like we freeze or anything."

"We don't? I thought we did."

"No. The writers only put in the show what they think is important. Like last season, Kate and Jack had this really meaningful scene in the finale where he told her she meant a lot to him and then of course Michael interrupted them right before they were about to kiss but then they realized that it cut into my flashback time so they cut it out. Also they decided to go down the skate path instead this season so it wouldn't have worked out."

"Well the writers were stupid for introducing us the way they did. I mean really they made us look like a bunch of idiots." Paulo complained.

"You are a bunch of idiots." Desmond muttered and he stood up. But suddenly, he stopped and zoned out with his eyes wide.

"What is he doing?" Niki said.

"I think he's having a flashback." Paulo said.

"I didn't know that when you flashback you actually zone out. I thought it was just you remembering what happened. " Niki said.

"Well it's not like we would know. We've never actually had a flashback." Paulo said bitterly.

"That's true. We should complain to the writers." Niki said.

"Where are the writers anyway?"

"I don't know."

"But didn't Desmond just have a flashback episode?"

"Well so did Eko." Niki pointed out.

"True but he died today so they had to give him another flashback episode."

So all they could do was wait for Desmond's "Flashback" to be over.

Finally it was.

"Whoa." Desmond said.

"Um, isn't that what Hurley says?" Paulo said.

"Yeah you're sounding out of character. The audience won't be happy about that." Niki chimed in.

"Nevermind that! Sawyer and Kate are gonna get it on!"

"Sawyer and Kate?" Paulo said. "Hm that would be one hot ship."

"Yeah it would be huh?" Niki grinned as they both imagined the possibilities.

Desmond rolled his eyes. "You really are a bunch of idiots."

A/N: So please let me know what you think of this. I have a lot planned and if you have any ideas please let me know. I'm planning to make fun of pretty much everything so the possibilities are endless. Oh and I really do love the writers even though it may not seem like it. :D


	2. Chapter 2

Chpater 2

Disclaimer: I don't own LOST.

A/N: I don't like this chapter as much but I'll wait for you guys to judge it.  
The next day, after they had buried Eko and gone back to camp, Desmond walked around the beach, pondering his clairvoyance.

He spotted Claire up the beach, sitting with Aaron and decided to go talk to her.

"Hey Claire.' He gave her his best smile as he winked at her and sat down beside her.

"Hi Desmond." Claire said, wondering why Desmond was always talking to her lately.

"So, have you heard?" Desmond asked her.

"What?"

"There's gonna be another love triangle."

"What?"

"Yes. And do you have any idea of who it's gonna involve?"

"I'm hoping not the famous love triangle. I mean what do you call that? Skack or whatever?"

"No. It's nothing to do with them, although I have heard that Jack's gonna fall in love with a other, which I suppose would create a love triangle, but there's a different one too."

"So it does involve the famous love triangle." Claire said.

"No."

"Yes. You just said that Jack was going to fall in love with a Other, which is totally preposterous by the way."

"No. Who cares about the bloody love triangle!"

"I do. Kate and Jack belong together." Claire said.

"Well you're going to be disappointed then, because-" Desmond stopped himself. If he told Claire about Kate and Sawyer, then she would know that he could see into the future.

"What are you talking about Desmond?"

"It's you! You're going to be in the new love triangle!"

"What?"

"Yes! You, Charlie, and me!"

"You?" Claire made a face.

"Yes! My love, don't you see? We were meant to be!"

"Um sorry. I appreciate your company, but no." Claire stood up then, and Charlie picked that time to come around.

"Hello." Charlie said.

"Hi Charlie." Claire said.

'You coming onto my girl?" Charlie said jokingly.

"Yes he is." Claire said.

"What?" Charlie looked at her and back at Desmond.

"Apparently the writers think that it's not good enough that it's taken us this long to be together. They want us to have more obstacles to test our relationship."

"What the bloody hell are those writers thinking?"

"Exactly."

Desmond shook his head." Nevermind. I"ll see you guys around."

Desmond continued walking until he spotted Niki and Paulo sitting up against a tree.

"Why are you guys just sitting there?" Desmond asked them.

"It's our job." Paulo said.

"Yeah. We just sit here." Niki said.

"But you guys got like three minutes of screen time in the last episode! Why are you giving up!?? You'll make progress! " Desmond said.

"I doubt it." Paulo said.

"Yeah aren't we on hiatus now anyways?" Niki asked.

"Well yeah but..like I said before, we don't just stop everything." Desmond said.

"Have you had anymore flashbacks?" Paulo asked.

"They're not flashbacks."

"Well sorry. We don't know how it feels like to have a flashback." Niki said stuffily.

"Right. Well, nice talking to you." Desmond nodded and started to walk, but then he stopped.

"I think he's having another flashback!" Niki said.

"You mean premonition?" Paulo corrected her.

"Whatever."  
A/N: So what is Desmond's premonition about this time?


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own LOST.

A/N: Sorry I didn't update sooner. I was focusing on my other fic and I wasn't getting any inspiration. This chapter is dedicated to Got Scots:wink:

Paulo and Nikki eagerly waited for Desmond to tell them what he had seen.

Desmond slowly turned and looked them.

"Well?" Paulo asked.

Before Desmond could tell them what he had seen, they were interrupted by a girl walking over to them.

"Hey." The girl said.

The other three stared at her.

"Who are you?" Nikki asked.

"Sam. I've only been here the entire time!" Sam said sarcastically.

"Oh I see. You're a background survivor like we used to be." Nikki said understandingly.

"Yeah everyone else is really mad at you guys for getting screen time. We don't like it."

"Well it's not our fault they need to bring in other people because they keep killing off everyone." Paulo said defensively.

"Aren't you interested in hearing about my.."Desmond started, and then trailed off as he glanced at Sam.

Sam smiled at him. "Hi."

"Hello." Desmond nodded.

"To be honest even though we finally mean something we still don't get any special treatment or anything." Nikki admitted, and Sam had to force herself to look away from Desmond.

"Right." Sam nodded, she didn't really care about that anymore.

She looked back at Desmond and walked closer to him. "So, do you want to, um, be the one true pairing or something?"

"No!" Nikki said. "You'll just die if you do!"

"I thought that curse had been broken because of you guys?" Sam looked at Niki and Paulo quickly.

"And then there's Kate and Sawyer." Desmond stated.

"What?" Sam asked.

"Nevermind." Desmond said quickly.

"But Kate could still die." Paulo reminded them.

"So what do you say?" Sam asked, ignoring Paulo and grinning and flinging her hair behind her.

"Sure." Desmond shrugged.

"Wait!" This doesn't work! What about Claire?" Nikki protested.

"Who cares about Claire, she's going to drown anyways."

"What?" Sam asked.

"Just tell her already!" Paulo said impatiently.

"I can see into the future." Desmond explained to Sam.

Sam raised her eyebrows.

"No really."

"Okay. Whatever." Sam said.

"You don't have to believe me." Desmond looked away.

Sam suddenly sprung on him and started to kiss him as Paulo and Nikki watched.

"I wonder if they'll put this scene in." Paulo said.

"Not likely." Nikki said. "It's too fluffy. The Powers That Be don't like for too many people to be happy for too long. They think it ruins the show."

Sam broke away and winked at Desmond and started to leave.

"Well. She's something isn't she?" Desmond grinned as he watched her walk away.

"So what did you see?" Nikki asked.

"I saw Jack."

Nikki gasped. "How is he? Is he all right? Do you think he'll be back soon?"

"Yeah I could really use him. I have a question to ask him. I've had this problem with my foot.. " Paulo trailed off.  
"Yeah without him it seems like everything is chaotic." Nikki said.

"We're doing fine without Jack." Desmond said. " I did fine for three years without a doctor and I was fine."

"Easy for you to say, you had medical training and all you did was press a button!" Paulo said.

"I was saving the world." Desmond insisted.

"So how is Jack?"

"He's sad. He was in this greenish room, and he was crying. "

Paulo threw up his hands. "What's new? You're making it up. You think just because you tell us he's crying that we'll believe you."

"Well Jack does cry a lot, so it makes sense." Nikki said. "I wonder what he was crying about this time."

"He probably stubbed his toe or something." Paulo said.

"Maybe he found out about Kate and Sawyer." Nikki suggested.

"Jack doesn't care about Kate and Sawyer." Desmond said.

Paulo and Nikki stopped and stared at Desmond.

"What are you talking about?" Nikki said.

"Yeah even I know that most people here have thought that Jack and Kate should get together." Paulo said.

"You're kidding right?" Desmond asked." I've never seen Jack even go near that lass."

"Not lately no. Something happened. We're not sure what happened, but it was after they got back from going to find Michael" Nikki said.

Paulo put an arm around Nikki. "Ok Nikki, we don't want t hear about the island gossip. The point is, that Jack would probably be upset about Kate and Sawyer."

"No I have a feeling it was something bigger." Desmond said.

"So Jack's not coming back any time soon then huh?" Paulo said.

"Nope." Nikki said.

"Dammit."

"Sorry. Well I've got to go, and play some golf." Desmond said as he started to walk away.

"Yeah sure. You're going to go find that Sam girl and make out with her while Jack sits in some green room sobbing." Nikki said.

Nikki looked at Paulo. "You know I tried to get Jack to notice me, but he didn't care. So I had to settle for you."

"Gee. Thanks."

A/N: Well that had to be the worst chapter ever. Well let me know what you think! I hope you all had a very good Christmas! Oh and nirky, if you're reading this I promise I will try to pm you back by the end of the week. I've been so busy!


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